Life is all about balance. Figuring out what to say to which person when...is hard. Sometimes you need cue cards to remind you who not to say what to. It shouldn't be that way, but it is.
I should be able to express concern for my friends in other states that are in the path of a hurricane. This weekend I found out I can only do that with other friends in that circle because my family could care less what happens to them and are quite insulted that I am so concerned. I'm having a really hard time understanding why things are what they are. And...I'm ever so tired of trying to make everyone else happy by adjusting my own.
Why can't everyone feel the love that I feel when I feel it?
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I Found a Truth Behind my Spleen...
Isn't it funny? Falling deep into a well is often painful. The deeper you fall, the worse you feel...until you've hit the bottom. On my recent trip (yes, I fall often), I figured out something before I hit the bottom.
I keep trying to step out of the way so the man I feel closest to can get out there and find that someone he's looking for. My stupid brain keeps trying to convince me that if I'm not in the picture, he'll find someone. Then that whole struggle begins. The one where I want to leave, so I try to do it categorically. I deleted posts in our group. I stopped following him on Twitter and blocked (yes, I know) him so he couldn't get my tweets. The more I deleted, the further I fell in that well. The pain was excruciating. Finally, before I reached the flat, black, lifeless bottom of that damp and lonely hole, my brain switched back on. How stupid could I be? Anything that felt that bad could not be good...not for me and not for him. We're friends...we're family, dammit! How could walking away help anyone? So I stopped...walked away from my desk for a few minutes...took a deep breath and smiled. Yep, I smiled. I sent him a silly text that said I was tired of the bad feelings and that I loved him.
I can't give up someone that makes me feel more alive than anyone ever has before. He's my closest friend...he's family...he stands up for me when no one else will...he cares. How can I push someone like that away?
I do still want him to have everything that he wants in life and I absolutely want him to be happy, but I don't think I have to walk away for that to happen.
It's interesting...walking away has always been my easiest way to handle everything. If I walk away, I can't be hurt, I don't have to care and I don't have to worry about the future. I also don't get to see a future with anyone. It's an improvement, small as it is, but it is an improvement...the not walking away thing.
I keep trying to step out of the way so the man I feel closest to can get out there and find that someone he's looking for. My stupid brain keeps trying to convince me that if I'm not in the picture, he'll find someone. Then that whole struggle begins. The one where I want to leave, so I try to do it categorically. I deleted posts in our group. I stopped following him on Twitter and blocked (yes, I know) him so he couldn't get my tweets. The more I deleted, the further I fell in that well. The pain was excruciating. Finally, before I reached the flat, black, lifeless bottom of that damp and lonely hole, my brain switched back on. How stupid could I be? Anything that felt that bad could not be good...not for me and not for him. We're friends...we're family, dammit! How could walking away help anyone? So I stopped...walked away from my desk for a few minutes...took a deep breath and smiled. Yep, I smiled. I sent him a silly text that said I was tired of the bad feelings and that I loved him.
I can't give up someone that makes me feel more alive than anyone ever has before. He's my closest friend...he's family...he stands up for me when no one else will...he cares. How can I push someone like that away?
I do still want him to have everything that he wants in life and I absolutely want him to be happy, but I don't think I have to walk away for that to happen.
It's interesting...walking away has always been my easiest way to handle everything. If I walk away, I can't be hurt, I don't have to care and I don't have to worry about the future. I also don't get to see a future with anyone. It's an improvement, small as it is, but it is an improvement...the not walking away thing.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Poopie Day...
Today I feel like an utter and complete failure. At everything and with everyone. And, while I know I haven't failed anyone, the feeling is still there. I'm pushing myself at work to try and keep myself from thinking about anything connected to my personal life, but all that does is make me tired. It'll pass...and I'll make that decision that I always seem to be battling with.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I'm All Shook Up...
We had an Earthquake!
Today, for the first time I can remember, I experienced an earthquake. I was sitting at my desk at work talking to my boss (who was heading off to golf with his Dad and nephew) on the phone. His Mom was standing in front of my desk looking at some papers. Suddenly I feel my desk start to move and the floor under my feet shaking. Now, it's important to note that our office is located in front of railroad tracks. I'm used to the earth shaking on a daily basis, but this was different. I hung up the cell phone and looked at Jean (lady boss) and asked her if she felt that. She had no idea what I was talking about. I asked her if a train had just gone by (we usually hear them), but she said "No." I told her that it must have been an earthquake. She actually laughed and asked me what I was drinking. I let it go and picked up my iPod to check on what was going on in facebook-land. There it was and I laughed out loud. When I told my boss, she laughed too. Of course no one could call out on their cell phones (overloaded circuits), but my boss asked me to call someone anyway since I have Sprint and they have Verizon. My call went thru and I'm pretty sure my friend thought I was a total idiot. Needless to say, not much else got done today.
Today, for the first time I can remember, I experienced an earthquake. I was sitting at my desk at work talking to my boss (who was heading off to golf with his Dad and nephew) on the phone. His Mom was standing in front of my desk looking at some papers. Suddenly I feel my desk start to move and the floor under my feet shaking. Now, it's important to note that our office is located in front of railroad tracks. I'm used to the earth shaking on a daily basis, but this was different. I hung up the cell phone and looked at Jean (lady boss) and asked her if she felt that. She had no idea what I was talking about. I asked her if a train had just gone by (we usually hear them), but she said "No." I told her that it must have been an earthquake. She actually laughed and asked me what I was drinking. I let it go and picked up my iPod to check on what was going on in facebook-land. There it was and I laughed out loud. When I told my boss, she laughed too. Of course no one could call out on their cell phones (overloaded circuits), but my boss asked me to call someone anyway since I have Sprint and they have Verizon. My call went thru and I'm pretty sure my friend thought I was a total idiot. Needless to say, not much else got done today.
Magic Man...
This man provides a whole lot of the magic in my life. R. Mordant Mahon. You can find him at www.mordantworld.com or www.facebook.com/mordantworld
Give him a listen. "It's not therapy, just a voice."
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Square Peg...Round Hole
Not “fitting in” is a more common feeling than I ever realized. I’m constantly surprised that some of the people I consider “cool” feel just as awkward as I do in a room full of people they don’t know. What’s the answer for getting over that fear? I don’t have a clue. It helps to have someone there with you that you know, but you still have that feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you angry. Yes, angry. I get mad when I’m thrown in to a situation that I’m uncomfortable with. Not a person that you would like to actually meet and not something I am actually proud of, but it’s true. And…it’s only been in the past year that I’ve realized that that is what happens. It’s also important to note that there are only four people that can make me actually give in and go to a party or function where I know I’ll have those feelings of “not belonging”. Only four. Four people…which is four more than there were five years ago. It says a lot for those four people…and for what they’ve taught me in just five short years. Do I think I’ll ever overcome this fear? No, but I think that, in time, I’ll be able to control my reaction to the idea better.
My goal: To not get angry when confronted with strangers and NOT to take it out on those that are just trying to help me grow. It’s a inner battle…a constant inner battle…but, one I’m willing to take on.
My goal: To not get angry when confronted with strangers and NOT to take it out on those that are just trying to help me grow. It’s a inner battle…a constant inner battle…but, one I’m willing to take on.
I'm Rather Peachy
I’m the type of person that clings tightly to someone that I truly care about. Sometimes too tightly. Sometimes so tightly that they feel the need to pull away. I’m slowly learning to deal with that…and fix the problem. Slowly. At least I recognize that I’m doing it now.
It’s taken 55 years to get to the point where I have people that I feel really close to. It’s also taken me 55 years to understand that I am rather clingy. Maybe I never saw it before because I never had anyone to stick around long enough for me to get really close. That’s not really fair. Truth is I never allowed anyone to remain in my life long enough to get close to them or they me. When you live a fairly isolated life and don’t interact with people much, you tend to think you’re the odd one. Turns out I’m not much different than lots of other people. It just took some very special people to make me see it.
My biggest problem (from my point of view) is that I'm so afraid of losing the important people in my life, that I hang on a little too tight. With one friend in particular, I feel the need to have some kind of contact with him every day. Too much? I don't know. I sense that he needs the contact too, but also know that when he's in a place where he has many friends and much social obligation, it's hard for him to keep up with everyone. I actually do understand that...not because I've experienced the same thing, but because I just know it happens to him. One person pulled in too many directions at the same time is painful...and, I think, a form of torture in some countries. "Drawn and quartered" comes to mind. In my attempt to understand and not be as clingy, I wind up sounding whiny and let doubt fill my mind. In other words, I drive him nuts. Somehow I need to give the man his space while being totally confident he won't leave without being a whiny bitch...and still remain close friends. I'm not sure I have what it takes to accomplish this monumental feat (for me), but I'm willing to give it a try. Until I have it mastered and cling no more, I'll just have to settle for being me and hope I don't push the important people out of my life entirely.
My biggest problem (from my point of view) is that I'm so afraid of losing the important people in my life, that I hang on a little too tight. With one friend in particular, I feel the need to have some kind of contact with him every day. Too much? I don't know. I sense that he needs the contact too, but also know that when he's in a place where he has many friends and much social obligation, it's hard for him to keep up with everyone. I actually do understand that...not because I've experienced the same thing, but because I just know it happens to him. One person pulled in too many directions at the same time is painful...and, I think, a form of torture in some countries. "Drawn and quartered" comes to mind. In my attempt to understand and not be as clingy, I wind up sounding whiny and let doubt fill my mind. In other words, I drive him nuts. Somehow I need to give the man his space while being totally confident he won't leave without being a whiny bitch...and still remain close friends. I'm not sure I have what it takes to accomplish this monumental feat (for me), but I'm willing to give it a try. Until I have it mastered and cling no more, I'll just have to settle for being me and hope I don't push the important people out of my life entirely.
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