Isn't it funny? Falling deep into a well is often painful. The deeper you fall, the worse you feel...until you've hit the bottom. On my recent trip (yes, I fall often), I figured out something before I hit the bottom.
I keep trying to step out of the way so the man I feel closest to can get out there and find that someone he's looking for. My stupid brain keeps trying to convince me that if I'm not in the picture, he'll find someone. Then that whole struggle begins. The one where I want to leave, so I try to do it categorically. I deleted posts in our group. I stopped following him on Twitter and blocked (yes, I know) him so he couldn't get my tweets. The more I deleted, the further I fell in that well. The pain was excruciating. Finally, before I reached the flat, black, lifeless bottom of that damp and lonely hole, my brain switched back on. How stupid could I be? Anything that felt that bad could not be good...not for me and not for him. We're friends...we're family, dammit! How could walking away help anyone? So I stopped...walked away from my desk for a few minutes...took a deep breath and smiled. Yep, I smiled. I sent him a silly text that said I was tired of the bad feelings and that I loved him.
I can't give up someone that makes me feel more alive than anyone ever has before. He's my closest friend...he's family...he stands up for me when no one else will...he cares. How can I push someone like that away?
I do still want him to have everything that he wants in life and I absolutely want him to be happy, but I don't think I have to walk away for that to happen.
It's interesting...walking away has always been my easiest way to handle everything. If I walk away, I can't be hurt, I don't have to care and I don't have to worry about the future. I also don't get to see a future with anyone. It's an improvement, small as it is, but it is an improvement...the not walking away thing.
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